Four years on ...

What were you doing four years ago?

You see, tomorrow (March 31, 2010), marks the four year anniversary of my first diagnosis with this really shit thing called cancer. It feels like a lifetime since that day.

I’m not sure how to feel about this anniversary. It’s a little surreal, to be honest. I don’t remember life without “it”. Even between relapses, it’s kind of always there? I don’t know how to explain it.

It sounds totally cliché, but I believe the experience has made me a better person. Don’t get me wrong; the past four years have been a rollercoaster of emotions for, not just me, but my family and friends. But, I’ve grown up, and I’ve learned that life should be cherished. There’s no room in life to put off what you really want to do because you don’t know for sure that you’ll have the time or get another chance. Tomorrow simply isn’t a sure thing.

On and around this day, I usually feel the need to listen to much of Delta Goodrem's latest work to reflect, feel and be inspired. It’s not often that you find a song that you can completely relate to, but for me, I think these two songs are as close as it gets.

BE STRONG – (a song that, almost without fail, will make me cry. And I’m no crier.)

Are you swimming upstream in oceans of blue?
Do you feel like your sinking?
Are you sick of the rain after all you’ve been through?
Well I know what you’re thinking
When you can’t take it
You can make it
Sometime soon I know you will see

Cause when your in you’re darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you’re like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of grey
Well hang on and be strong

Where taking each step one day at a time
You can’t lose your spirit
Let live and let live forget and forgive
It’s all how you see it
And just remember keep it together
Don’t you know you’re never alone?

Cause when you’re in your darkest hour
and all of the light just fades away
When you’re like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of grey
Well hang on, and be strong

No you’re not defeated
And soon you’ll be smiling once again
Then you won’t have to feel it
Let it go with the wind
Time passes us by
And know that you’re allowed to cry

Cause when you’re in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you’re like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of grey
Well hang on and be strong

POSSESSIONLESS – written by Delta about “how chemotherapy taught her what’s important in life – by losing every strand of hair on her body and rediscovering herself.”

All the things that I’ve collected
Stones and shells
Every word in every book
Upon my shelves
Only form a brief description of myself
But they don't define who I am
I don't think anything can, no
If I strip away the non-necessities
All the damage all the mess surrounding me
I don't crave what I have not
I don't need more than I’ve got
It's just me that I offer up

All I got is my body
And it's naked for you
All I got is this heart
That I’m willing to lose
I know in this life
I give it everything
All I got is this soul and
It’s shedding its clothes
Do you see who I am now?

You’re standing this close
You know in these arms
You're feeling everything
I'm learning what to give
What to protect
To look into the mirror
Though I’m not perfect
It's still a work in progress
Hasn't finished yet
Wanna be transparent
See through
Not gonna hide me from you

All I got is my body
And it's naked for you
All I got is this heart
That I’m willing to lose
I know in this life
I give it everything
All I got is this soul and
It’s shedding its clothes
Do you see who I am now?

You’re standing this close
You know in these arms
You're feeling everything
I'm completely undressed
But I couldn't care less
I'm standing here possessionless
It's the only true test
When the only thing left
Is a love that’s possessionless?
I don't crave what I have not
I don't need more than I’ve got
It's just me that I offer up

All I got is my body
And it's naked for you
All I got is this heart
That I’m willing to lose
I know in this life
I give it everything
All I got is this soul and
It’s shedding its clothes
Do you see who I am now?
You’re standing this close
You know in these arms
You're feeling everything

For me, while losing my hair wasn’t my happiest moment, it was what I was missing out on that really made me realise what is important in life. I missed opportunities. That is one of the worst feelings in the world.

So tomorrow, I've decided I'm going to simply eat good food, relax and tell my family how much they mean to me, and thank them for being there through thick and thin. My advice to everyone is to do the same.

xxx